essays of life

It Is A Civil War

/ jill autrey dorman / 4 Comments

crashing waves

Photo by Ray Bilcliff 

As I sit by the ocean and hear it’s deeply powerful roar.

The waves seem so angry and crash on the shore.

Brother against brother like I have not seen before.

My heart cries at the hatred, it is a Civil War.

Everyone is talking but it is just a screaming noise.

Oh God show us mercy for all we’ve destroyed.

 

 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1John4:8

John 3:16.  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

 

 

 

Exposed and Authentic

/ jill autrey dorman / 3 Comments
brown sand

Photo by Miri on Pexels.com

 

The salty air lay thick upon my skin.

Laughter in the village sings so sweetly.

Never does a hard day meet me here,

when I walk by the sea in God’s keeping.

 

This beach helps me see outside of my self,

and find The One who is the Hope of all things.

Exposed and authentic the waves hit my feet,

with no fear of the dance tomorrow will surely bring.

 

I will sing in this His cathedral

of sky and sand and sea.

I praise The Holy One who cannot be undone

and give thanks as He walks here with me.

There were many who could accuse her…

/ jill autrey dorman / 5 Comments

 

assorted colors rocks

Photo by Ir Solyanaya 

There were many who could accuse her, she knew it was the law.

The very men who used her now want to see her stoned.

She remembers how it started, so hungry and alone.

She rode the tide of shame and commerce, with nowhere else to go.

She heard about the Holy man healing all the sick.

They said he spoke of God’s love for all, even those who have no hope.

So now she stood before Him and prepared herself to die.

He then wrote something  in the dirt and gazed up into her eyes

And said, “no man here can accuse you and neither do I.”

Oh the washing of her soul a deluge fell that holy day,

and she followed Him from that time on, He is The Truth, The Life, The Way!

Come endure the Midnight Hour

/ jill autrey dorman / 2 Comments
brown boat on beach line

Photo by Emre Kuzu 

 

Time is not a matter here

in the midnight hour

I sing to you my love song

though it be worn and tattered

 

I fell the deep wells of danger

of both your Joy and Light

To such will be the way of it

 beneath the looming night

 

Come endure the midnight hour

where language has no name

Yet Hope and Hardship mingle

 with your Faithfulness and Grace

I hold you now with such unfailing love…

/ jill autrey dorman / 2 Comments
woman carrying a baby

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite

If I die tomorrow my sweet grandbabies won’t remember

how I held and rocked and loved them with all I’ve got.

They will not know I sang them songs made up just for them,

or how I prayed everyday of my life

that they will follow the call of God.

I hold you now with such unfailing love though

I will not be here to keep every grief at bay

I hope you’ll feel these arms holding you now

and know I am yours Forever and a day.

When Coca-Cola only came in a bottle

/ jill autrey dorman
photo of person holding bottle

Photo by alleksana

 

When Coca-Cola only came in a bottle

now seems like halcyon days in my mind.

I know there is no such thing as the good old days,

still it was the simplest of times.

We had one car families and all walked to school,

time moved slower because it had to.

There was not such a rush to grow up and move on.

The days were full and the nighttime warm.

When Coca-Cola only came in a bottle

all was right in my world.

 

I am here now

/ jill autrey dorman
person kneeling on highway

Photo by Ricardo Esquivel

Have you ever had the strange sensation of having traveled off the map of your own existence?

It is like moving in a mysterious land where you only know a smattering of words in that language and feel so far removed from your core being.

Some scholars call this some kind disorder of adjustment but I disagree.

I find this to be a time of challenge and exuberance in this journey.

A bigger lens through which to view the magnificence of this great pilgrimage, from the cradle to the grave and beyond…

then just as quietly or quickly some sound or smell or jolt of love for someone brings me back home.

I am now standing in my familiar dimension and even though I do not feel totally whole in this earth shell…

I know that I belong here for now until I know that I don’t anymore.

…And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.” John 8:32

 

 

Her breathing is God singing…

/ jill autrey dorman / 3 Comments
christ the redeemer

Photo by Matheus Bertelli 

 

Her tiny toddler body lays wrapped against mine.

Her breathing is God singing, His Love her sigh.

No guile no malice no doubt or fear.

Her precious hands show me God is near.

She whispers my name as she falls asleep.

Never a sweeter word has been spoken to me.

My heart could burst open when I smell her sweet head.

If there is a treasure on earth more than this I choose this song instead.

A Mom

/ jill autrey dorman
high angle photo of woman on ladder

Photo by Samantha Garrote 

A mother is a 100 percent flawed human being who was allowed to have part in a unique way in another human beings life. Not every mom loved it, wanted it or succeeded at it. Some moms are sick. Some moms are wounded or abused. Some are driven by a secret or a demon. Some dreamed of being moms since they could talk, others did not. Some are natural at it (whatever that means). Some of us live, eat, and breathe it. Some of us enjoy every moment except maybe the fatigue! Some are fulfilled. Some are not. Some of us fail (ed) at it. Some are not biological Moms but are mothering anyway.


The Truth is most of us didn’t know what we were in for. For me being mom was more than I ever dreamed. It set me “right”. It makes me want to be a better person than I am. Motherhood gives me unspeakable joy and to be honest when it hurts it is the most painful experience. This holiday called Mother’s Day is not good or bad. It is a societal invention. That’s okay. If you are a mom this holiday and you enjoy it that is honorable. If this day brings you pain or grief this is honorable as well. We all must make our peace with our moms and with our children. Moms count in the billions. Moms are not a political agenda or a consumer product. Moms are people who love and want to be loved and fail or succeed depending upon the day or the moment of any given day. I am in the club. I wouldn’t change that. I have no regrets. To all the moms out there…let’s be kind to each other.

The Shell Seeker

/ jill autrey dorman

 

 

brown sand

Photo by Miri

Standing on the highest sand dune people moved back and forth on the ground below.  She no longer has their youthfulness of an unlined face but she knew she finally possessed the joy of ageless Grace. The pilgrimage called her to this beautiful place. The wind and the sun an old friend on her face.

Now she is the shell seeker in the wide brimmed hat, as a child playing in the sun she’d laughed at people like that. She remembers younger  days when she grew weary but now the days of peace are what linger here.  Emotions don’t obey the rules they are the heartbeat in being human.  Like waves reaching the shore emotions can be kept for a moment but are better when given away.

The shell seeker’ s eye remains clear and adept while watching the children play. She knows that life is not going back but more of giving it away. The Truth is, life consists in learning and loving well with Grace underneath God’s sun.  To remain whole in the midst of life’s ups and downs, to surrender all secrets and lies is anointing oil to the soul. To shed insincerity and live in the present, the waves echo behind her now compelling her to go on.