She was use to dodging and weaving through the forest of men’s suited legs like great oak tree trunks. There was a whimsical sense of fun as she slid between the sea of women in their Sunday best. Like a needle threading through silk. She has expressive, different eyes they said. She is intelligent they murmered among themselves. Even at three to four years old I felt at home dodging and weaving, I took it as a challenge, motivated by the piece of Doublemint gum that Mr. Trainer always had in his pocket for me.
I got attention because my Dad was the Pastor of this Lovely group of people. They always smiled at me or said hello. Some of the older women tried to kiss me. I was pretty independent and didn’t like it if someone but my daddy tried to pick me up or hold me.
Looking back is like getting a post card from myself. I always feel warmed by this memory. I remember a few times when I didn’t respond to well but they always showed me grace.
Gradually the forest of men’ s suits and the lady’ Sunday dresses all drifted away and headed for Sunday lunch. That is when I would run to Dad’s office and play on his big leather desk chair. It always seemed we were the last to leave. I felt so safe knowing we would be back here the next week and every Sunday after that.
One day I asked my Dad why these people were so nice to me. I’ll never forget him saying, ” these are the people that God has put into my heart to love and serve. It is a gift of God to our family and these folks want to show you that love. it is also a way in which they show their love for me and your Mom as well. It is a very important job and one of the main functions is to show love for others.”
” Okay Dad”, I said and skipped off toward our car without a care in the world. Years later when Dad went into evangelism I found that I really missed my lovely Sunday jaunt through the crowd and thanked God for the gifts he gave me when he knit us together like a family.
He is speaking of Himself
I have been thinking a lot about Truth. I am compelled by the passion Jesus has regarding true Truth. He told His followers that He is Truth and knowing Him(the truth) will set us free.
Truth is controversial and it requires confrontation. The key here is the confrontations are not arguments. The confronting of issues flows readily from what is “life giving” plans, not to bring condemnation.
Remember the famous Bible recording of a woman being brought to Jesus in the public meeting place and they told Jesus that she needed to be stoned. You probably know the reply Jesus gave. It is a controversial confrontation in his early ministry but His delivery of Truth was so clarifyingly crystal clear! .He said, ” if anyone here Is without sin why don’t you throw the first stone..”
Can you imagine if those men knew they were talking to the only One who was qualified to throw stones! I just love how Jesus teaches! He tells us the Truth and he is speaking of himself.
Life’s Quiet Influencers
Do you have people who on life’s journey have for some reason impacted, or influenced you in either a good or a bad way or both? I am not speaking here of influential parents etc…but those who perhaps displayed character and wisdom that remain in your memory bank and you would like to emulate. That person that you may meet suddenly and briefly but their impact quietly journeys on with you long after.
For example, I met a girl on the first day of tenth grade who impacted me with her kindness in a profound way but by Christmas she died of Leukemia. We were fifteen years old. She was so kind to others and never complained of her pain. The last time I saw her was in a hospital bed and even though she tried to hide it I could see her pain as she periodically would grab the side rails of her hospital bed until her knuckles were white . I knew this is what “courage and bravery” were about. I did not yet understand fully what I was seeing at the time but she stayed with me. Her beautiful young skin was alabaster white and perfectly smooth. Her smile remained genuine and her eyes sparkled when she smiled. From our meeting to this current day every time I hear John Denver’s song, ” Sunshine on my shoulders .” I stop and remember. No matter how short her physical life seemed, the impact she had on me was a gift. It was a gift to many others too.
I have a few people. Their actions or examples of how they handle life are inseparable from my development as a human being. To be a good human, to be creative, to be life giving with actions and words, to speak with wisdom and kindness, to be witty or clever. You see, each one of them have shown me their dance steps of joy and sorrow. These steps come with success or failure. They have taught me how to love and forgive others. They have even shown me even when to walk away.
Deep Delta Muse
You ever see the deep black sky on the Delta
and hear the deep black blues?
That Delta dirt has a fragrance all its own
and I smell it whenever I hear the blues
The deep churning melody with Gospel soul
says you don’t have anything to lose
The deep black sky and the Delta Muse
Turning 70
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
Praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. psalm 139:13, 14.
This last sunset of my 6th decade has left me pondering my life. The consistent thread in my life has sewn a beautiful tapestry of life’s many different colors and stitches. Like every other human being on earth I have known tragedy and triump. I have sorrows that scar my heart but I have great love which heals my heart. I have had illnesses, chronic pain with many moments of healing and reprieve.
I have known great gain and loss. I caused most of my own heart ache so I blame no one but myself. To sum it up, I journey just like millions of others. So here now is my testament in 70 years there has never and I mean never in my life when I cried out to God and he was there for me. Upon hearing the voice of The Good Shepherd every time I stumble. He, Jesus, has been here with me and for me without fail. I know His voice!
So here I go…
Heading out this morning, into the sun
Riding on the diamond waves, little darlin’ one
Warm wind caress her, her lover it seems
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Ship of dreams
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Little ship of dreams
Winter Blue
It is dusk in winter casting the sky and world into Winter blue. I squint my eyes and can see that little girl. That one, see her over there? She is quite the believer! She knows this color blue was made just for her and she looks forward to it every year. She gazes at the stars and sees the gateway to Heaven open wide and welcoming. Every season it occurs. Her crooked little smile and deep set navy-gray eyes are shining with the hope of Christmas. She loves getting toys of course but her love for feeling safe and cozy on a winter night means more than toys. There are decorations, and a tree with a favorite ornament hanging there and the warmth of family gathered. She knows her family loves her but she also knows that they whisper that she is a dreamer when they speak of her and they wonder if she will be all right . Dreams are not rebellion you know?
As the years flow on Winter Blue comes again and again, however for me, the little girl’s safe existence and lingering dreams would have slipped through the looking glass had I not kept my promises to never lose her or our rendevue with Winter blue.
Grace
I am always astounded when a renewed sense of the “Realm of Grace.” is gifted to me by the Holy. My dear mentor Dr. Hud McWilliams puts it this way, “Grace erodes all of our human ability to be gods. Grace removes ALL of our ability to PRETEND we are in control.”
I clearly see This Realm of Grace cannot be diminished, Grace cannot be penetrated by darkness, Grace cannot be stopped by disease nor death, and best of all it cannot be bought or earned!
The birthing place of Grace is Mercy. The person of Grace is Jesus our Lord who died and gave us his grace because our Heavenly Father is merciful.
This refreshing and renewing gift from Grace is that Grace annihilated Shame! And I bear it no more!
Nursing Journal Memories
She is a petite and elegant woman. She is dying. After receiving palliative care for a year and a few days, she is now receiving continuous care until she passes away. In the area of Hospice nursing, continuous care abbreviated to CC marks the twenty- four hour care beginning. I have been on twelve hour shifts with her for three days.
The first visit I noticed that she continuously positioned her right hand in a fist with her thumb slightly curvedat the top of the fist. I would straighten the hand out flat thinking this would be more comfortable but within five minutes that hand would return to the position of holding onto a rope. I began to observe that even in her brief waking moments she would do this action with both hands.
Eventually during very quiet and brief conversations we talked of her younger life and all the glorious days that love in life have brought her. A loving husband, healthy children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren. She told me that her husband is the best human being she has ever known. She was the first female professor of a big University in Texas and she said her husband supported her all the way!
On the last day she was weaker and her voice diminished so we didn’t talk much. I had been straightening her hands off and on for days and within a minute or to she would peacefully dose off and put her hands right back in this unique position. Finally, I asked her about it and she said, “sometimes I become a little afraid of dying and when that fear hits I am reminded of a braided cord. A cord made up of three separate fibers that are entwined as if they were one large rope. Unbreakable bonds, least that is what they say. One day the pain and fear overwhelmed me and I whispered to God and asked for comfort. Then as I prayed my hands seemed to involuntarily fold like a fist holding a rope and it was so comfortable and calming. As I lay there praying the Spirit of God greeted me so gently and told me he loved me and soon he would be taking me home. He told me to hold onto to this rope of The Trinity and not let go. He said that he won’t leave me and to just trust him and hold on to the rope and even as I grow weaker and you straighten my hands they return to the rope and I hold on so hard that I feel no pain nor fear at all. Within the hour this beautiful, faith filled woman died but without a doubt I know Whom she was holding to and that He would never break his promise.
“It is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2Corinthians 1:21,22
Like a sledgehammer
He said I felt like a sledgehammer in his chest
He said my steel magnolia eyes are the place he found rest
He said he never met a girl life me before or since
He said life without me made no sense
And the music played and the song was sung.
Copper Moon
A remote beach calls me with a symphony of crystal sea sound.
Swimming free under a Copper Moon shining atop the waves
Fears are banished into the midnight phosphorus of indigo blue
My heart is so full and I know that I am homeward bound.
I surrender my soul to the wonders of The Holy One
I weep for joy as the tentacles of humanity gently slip away
The Copper Moon escorts me through the peace I have found
Holy baptism fuels me yet again and I know that I am homeward bound.
Jill Autrey Dorman 