Follower of Jesus

I start throwing my fear around…

/ jill autrey dorman

 

brown mountain splashed with water from sea

Photo by Samuel Wölfl

The sound of blood thundering in my ears…crashing to shore like a wave on a cliff crushing all the breath from my body. Utter fear pounding and pounding in my brain. My heart aches with the “unknowing” of a thing. A small blip of Faith still beats now and again. My eyes see no pathway. My ears only hear a rushing like thunder…wild and furious are my thoughts. Will He BE who He says He is? Doubt mocks me with every second of my pain…is there another moment left to me? I must now meet my God who loves me…oh yes, I will meet Him here or there…where there is no marking of time. It is God who justifies. Will I flesh out what I say I believe? Not by MY might and not by MY spirit but by the Lord’s “no holes barred” power alone. Right now! Right here! Loss, fear, joy, war, victory, death, and life…I cry out without words or sound…blip, blip, faith, blip, blip, faith…then a wisp of Presence. A command for Peace. I cry to The One I have never seen and then sight of soul dawns like morning.

 

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, [39] Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.     (Romans 8:38,39)

The first time I touched heaven…

/ jill autrey dorman / 3 Comments
sky sunny clouds cloudy

Photo by Skitterphoto

The first time I touched heaven I was a five year old little girl who knelt down beside her parents and prayed to Jesus, who loves me…The faith of a child was heaven…I touched  the face of pure love. I prayed to Trust Jesus.

A twenty one year old college girl alone in the sand and sea with Hope renewed. I touched the King of the Kingdom and I confessed all my fear and failure… and we walked anew.

A thirty year old wife and mother…tired and scared of what I didn’t know. I touched the Spirit of God and he whispered to me that He would never leave me…I rejoiced in Peace.

A thirty-four year old woman who was breaking her marriage and her life and had depression and despaired of the goodness of God…but he gave me a man who would not walk away and I touched a Faith restored in God’s goodness.

A forty-five year old daughter I put my Daddy in his earthly grave and a light went out of me in this world but the Light of the World kept shining and I touched the Power of the Resurrection in Jesus Christ.

A sixty-three year old grandmother of five…I kneel each day in gratitude for every breath and every family memory…I touch Joy unspeakable and full of Glory…

When I leave this body to go to my Father’s house…I will go to The One who died for me and I will touch eternity and live forevermore in His presence finally touching my Lord who is Heaven…

The coldest nights are God’s mercy (survival is fear based and slides into dying)

/ jill autrey dorman
cold dark eerie environment

Photo by Pixabay 

It is the coldest night in years

The heavens in the sky so clear

The burden on her back slid off her shoulders

She thought,  I must lay down this boulder…

 

It is  time the voice said, there is no more to do

I want you to leave this burden here tonight

Survival is fear based and slides into dying

Thriving mercy comes from Me the voice cried…

 

She lay down on the cold ground shivering

When she woke a spring morning shining

She looked around with a pounding in her mind

And the boulder was no where in sight…

 

 

Sharp Shooter on the roof tops…

/ jill autrey dorman
automatic weapon bullet camouflage close up

Photo by Pixabay

 

I dream I am  in guerrilla warfare, watching for sharp shooters on the roof tops

The King was right when he said we do not fight flesh and bone

Yet we insist on killing our own over and over,  the choice made, cannot be taken back

There are many traitors among us, or most likely they never were a child of the King

They look just like me so I cannot know who will gun me down, it is not for me to judge

The Truth can pierce the bone from the marrow, I know because it happened to me…

I must don God’s armor at all times, be vigilant in lie detection, oh the enemy is so smooth, it is a false light…

My heart is pounding, I cannot be silent, for every day is a day of war in the spiritual realm, to immense to be ignored.

The manifold wisdom of God sees all, the Captain of the host holds all power in his name, Messiah, Jesus, God with us

So I take up my weapons… the belt  of Truth, the shield of Faith, the helmet of Salvation …

I continue to walk behind the enemy line for I know the Battle is the Lord’s, I long to remain a diligent warrior

The sharp shooter is still on the roof, the scope on the rifle is aimed at my head, I can see his eyes dead like dolls eyes

I choose to keep walking…

 

I walk on vigilant always for any inkling of the enemy’s presence…deafening silence

yet in a split-second a pervasive white mist envelopes me…

I feel heavy weight and aching in my body  and spirit,  it is the supreme stealth weapon of the enemy

It is shame, my most relentless foe

The ballast of Shame slaughters aggressively,  the deadliest of weapons, worse than sarin  gas…

If I don’t kill it, it will kill me and all it touches, shame is unholy from hell

I cry out to the King,  blood seeping from my chest, a razor-sharp slice

I did not feel it at the point of entry

Towering above the shame the King appears, brandishing his two-edged sword

it blazes and radiates like a million Suns, in a blink the sharp shooter

on the roof top falls dead

I am blind now, crouching down behind my shield of Faith

the King wields his Holy two-edged sword and shame screeches like the demon it is…

instantly there is silence, my heart is no longer bleeding, I regain my sight

The Holy Spirit is the watchman, the Angels encamp around me

I savor the Holy rest of  victory this day…

 

I

 

Not even scorpions will inhabit the desolate Judean desert…

/ jill autrey dorman

 

flight pigeon twig

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Just declared to be God’s only Son. The voice and the dove announced it to the world. Driven straight out by God’s Spirit to the wilderness of Judea where not even scorpions will  live…

No food or water upon these forty days. He who is announced and ordained now lay weak, trembling near death only to now be approached by Satan…

Satan, the shining one come to accuse The Word of God. If you are the Son of God??? Compared to Eden the destruction of the Second Adam seems it might be an easy victory…

 

Fear is a wilderness where the devil runs around

He tempted Jesus there now he wants to take me down

Fear is a wilderness where death creeps up on trust

The water is polluted, hope turns into dust

Fear is a wilderness where Jesus walked alone

Oh but The King of Ages left the wilderness undone!

 

Jesus never once defended his identity or Godly position. He knew that Satan knew it well. For even Satan and all his demons tremble at His name. He the Second Adam would destroy all death and hell! For the living Word is his name and his Word is more powerful than any two edged sword!

 

My writing is a dialogue with my self…that might spill over into your life…

/ jill autrey dorman

I have come to see that most of this need to write is a dialogue with my self in which I sort out, define, and narrate my beliefs, my perceptions, and my life…

When my Mom recently passed away I used writing as a tool to grieve, mourn, and rejoice. I use words to give Praise to God who, by faith I believe in and trust. I use writing to rail against injustice and to also humble my self that I don’t have a right to judge anyone. I have always loved The written word.

scribbles on wall

Photo by Jimmy Chan

The power of The Word that put on flesh are the words that I hold most dear. This Word lives and moves and creates and forgives and heals…

I recently have been thinking about the divide in the Church regarding the inerrant Word of God and how each believer must make their stand regarding the Bible being wholly literal or not. I know it is literal and inerrant…

In our flesh we can use the Bible and make it say something it doesn’t. For example taking the word “submission” and turning it into a way to manipulate and control others but in the context of the whole character of God and His Word Jesus clearly examples for us that submission to His Father  was based on honor and glory with humility. What a difference context makes.

Sometimes there are no words for me to express the profound treasures of life but I like the challenge of attempting to anyway.  Perhaps in heaven I will be allowed to write Psalms and poems to worship Jesus with…

My motivation and passion is to connect with others by something I see or have experienced and put such descriptive words on paper the the reader will feel that they are not alone in their story…

So whether it really matters in the big picture I don’t know but using words to speak life is exactly what Jesus did… ” and the  Word became flesh and dwelt among us! My word for that is Hallelujah! ”

 

 

 

 

“Death begins with bad feet…”

/ jill autrey dorman
man wearing military uniform and walking through woods

Photo by Specna Arms

The older experienced soldier watched as twenty new young men were milling about the base. He knew they had no clue what they were in for. The Korean “police action” at the 38th parallel between South Korea supported by the  United Nations  (largely the United States of America) against North Korea supported by China and The Soviet Union. The older soldier was still recovering from the unexpected and brutal Battle at Naktong River. That is where his best buddy’s feet went bad. The wet boots along with pouring down rain never allowed much time for drying out. His buddy didn’t even try to get his feet dry and by the time the battle ended his feet were black. Three weeks later he was dead. The Koreans have a saying, “death begins with bad feet.”

My take away from this wisdom is that I have learned to pay attention to where my feet are walking on this journey of life. The small things. My feet get soggy with the cares of the material world of what people think of me. According to scripture we are in spiritual warfare as believers who follow Christ…

For the follower of Christ Jesus  we are taught to put on the armour of God for the daily warfare with an evil , fallen world. Part of that armour described in Ephesians 6 encourages us to Shod our feet with the Gospel, the Good News that the Savior of the world has come.

How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation…Isaiah 52:7

 

The Solution to your suffering is not what you think it is…

/ jill autrey dorman / 2 Comments
window church crucifixion church window

Photo by Pixabay

 

So Truth for me came as a shock. I grew up in a well meaning Christian and Bible following home and Church but I believe there was a message given (without malice) that if “we all just come give our hearts to Jesus, everything will be good!’…

And we who have lived very long know this is absolutely untrue. Being a preacher’s daughter I went to tons of youth events, revival, camp outings where this was the mantra.

I believe what these well meaning loving people were saying (be it naive) is that we all are in need of a Savior for we are born enemies of God and  dead in our sin without him. They were trying to present the Gospel but they left out one important Truth…suffering.

You see, the young girl who gives her life to Christ at your youth camp still goes home to her alcoholic mother when all is done. The boy on the football team that everybody loves still goes home to a Dad who tells him he is useless because he isn’t starting quarterback. So what occurs is the seed of their “moment” with the Lord (which I believe can be real but often is not) falls on the rocky, painful  soil and is quickly plucked away by the pain of this world!

I believe that Truth is a person. Truth is the person of Jesus Christ. Jesus even tells us he is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The Truth is not pretty and tied up all in a bow. The Truth is not a Hallmark movie.

The Truth is a snot slinging, earth shattering  cry of repentance and pain and sorrow into a bloody, brutal battle and only Truth can win that sin battle. Only Truth has the Sword of the Words of life and that sword must pierce you right where you are but know this He, Jesus, Truth suffered more than your mind can comprehend. He despised the shame, our shame. He scorned our sin that he would have to bear for us to live in the presence of the Holy One! Truth got slaughtered and hung on a tree for us!

So if after you accept Christ you still have your alcoholic spouse, or a son on drugs, or a daughter date raped and pregnant, or a Church that hurts you, or a failed missionary vision…you see where my heart is going here…people Jesus came to save us from these messes we have made that have caused Him so much suffering. Life without Jesus is NO LIFE AT ALL but make no mistake Life with Jesus is the Way you get through the suffering of your broken sinful life and gradually you realize the suffering is how you really know who Jesus is and that your suffering is nothing compared to the Matchless Glory of His Grace! Do not be surprised by suffering friend. Follow closely beside The Christ, who is the Truth because he has walked this path before us. Follow Him.

 

Kneeling at the idols of burning dreams…

/ jill autrey dorman
man kneeling in front of cross

Photo by Pixabay 

No I didn’t worship as the pagans do or did I? That realization was a rude awakening for a girl raised in the knowledge of Christ and the Bible. Hey, those false, other gods had nothing to do with me or did/do they?

I have always been curious and believe I now know why John the Apostle wrote in the last verse of his book “children, be aware of idols.”

I have read and read that Gospel of John’s and that verse always convicted me.

After bowing down to man made works (supposedly for God), after walking many miles in my journey with Jesus I have come to know that everything and everyone put before God in my life is an idol. Sounds simple yes but it is gut wrenching because my idols come in the love of grandchildren, love of admiration, love of being right, love of caring for the sick, the love of (fill in the blank)…

As a young woman I believe my idols were rooted in the identity given me by birth. Later I believe my idols were turned to the insecurity of fitting in so I would do what everyone else was doing. Just to fit in. I could list them all but the one in my older years that finally got my spiritual attention like no other was when my first grandchild was born. Oh how God has lavished his love upon those of us who are given grandchildren!  It is a good reward undeserved but  I began to put that love above everyone and everything. I didn’t even realize how deep I had waded into that “good” idolatry.

But God… in his purity and fury thundered through to me one sleepless night as I was telling him that he felt so distant lately. I had taken a gift of Joy and great love and delight and turned it in to a god!

How could that be I said? I am following you Lord. I felt His Spirit say, “if you follow me then you must put no other gods before me…”

So I knelt down before my Lord had one of those snot slinging, sobbing moments of repentance…

Paul wrote, “for what do you have that you did not receive? If you received it then how can you boast about anything?” 1 Corinthians 4:7

 

“…but what comes to you contrary to your choosing, thinking, desiring, that is where you must follow, there He is calling.”

/ jill autrey dorman
woman with yellow backpack standing on hanging bridge with trees

Photo by Josh Willink 

For many years I have tried to manage Christian “doctrine” and the “Truth of Jesus and His Cross.”  I write about this a lot because following Jesus Christ and being used by Jesus Christ to further his Kingdom has been the greatest longing in my life. I was basically and literally born into it. I am more than grateful for my raising, even the hardest parts where I learned what a mess I am.

I say this because while my deepest and strongest desire in this world is to be a disciple of Jesus I am now in my sixth decade and feel I am just beginning to understand what that means.

It is really quite simple. Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we could be put “in right relationship with God.” Which is marvelous in and of itself however God’s plan is to put the whole world right as well. Not just you and me. Salvation is NOT just me and my loved ones but ALL the people in ALL the world. 

This  has been quite diluted in the Church since  the moment Jesus ascended. This Revolution Jesus started on the Cross, this most powerful declaration of God’s love for us cannot be reduced to formulas or catchy slogans or politics or religious formulas and traditions. 

Again this quote from Martin Luther says it so much better than I can…

“things must happen NOT according to your own knowledge but rather immerse yourself in the abandonment of understanding and Jesus will give you true understanding. You cannot find the way of the cross. Jesus must lead you there like a blind person. Not the work you chose for yourself, not the sufferings you think up for yourself, but what comes to you contrary to your choosing, thinking, desiring, that is where you must follow, there He is calling. There you are the pupil, there is where your teacher, your Savior has come and is found.”

You see, our LORD has walked this path before us as a human. His Holy Spirit is here walking this path with us, teaching us, guiding us…

As we walk so closely to Jesus, like a blind person. Trusting Him (Jesus) the way He trusted God, our Father, becoming a true disciple is about these things… giving up control, not being my own god…Yes Lord.