78 Seconds


In a life of Healthcare the sum of lessons I have learned cannot be measured. I am weak at writing and expression but reality of life and death are ever clear.
An ordinary day in the Intensive Cardac Care Unit in West Florida Hospital. I go about my work. I am twenty-two years old. I sat down at the nurses desk to chart on my patients. My seat is one from which I can see straight into the hospital bed approximately 20 feet away in front of me.
“Deductive reasoning” is when a data leads to one conclusion. ” Inductive reasoning” by definition is where a conclusion is probable but not certain. ” “Aductive reasoning” consist of incompleteness of purposes.
I sit writing in neat script. Occasionally I glance at the patient directly in front of me. His hospital bed is in the upright sitting position. His nasal oxygen cannula is tilted in his nose. The ever present monitors of important numbers and squiggly repetitive lines of the heart rythmn, rate, and blood pressure are constant.
I glanced down at my watch as nurses often do, note the time. My attention is called to a sound of panic. I stand up and head for the noise and just like that the man’s eyes widened and from the torso up his whole body turns blue. I yell for help and all my colleagues and a doctor come running. The doctor begins calmly giving orders. I glance down at my watch again. Seventy- eight seconds had passed. The man is dead. His Aortic vavle had dissected and his heart simply exploded. I had never witnessed this before nor sense. It left me marked. All the types of “reasoning” that I relied on could not find its place.
It took me hours and days and even to this day to piece through the seventy-eight seconds and a passing from life to death. In the end, I am left with no conclusion except this, Life, in all its myriad of seconds passing by cannot be defined by human reasoning.

Photo by Hernan Pauccara

euphoria

I had a dream that I was walking on the beach and about twenty yards away I looked and there stood Jesus wading in the water. i ran to him with all my might and we embraced, as we walked along the shore we spoke of many things that he knew were in my heart and like a beautiful string of pearls I gave them all to him.

as we walked the sea began to dance and sing and dolphins began to dance as if they too enjoyed worshipping him!

After our walk Jesus came into the place he prepared for me and we sat for what seemed hours, days, years but there is no time with him.

Photo by Egor Komarov

He is speaking of Himself

I have been thinking a lot about Truth. I am compelled by the passion Jesus has regarding true Truth. He told His followers that He is Truth and knowing Him(the truth) will set us free.
Truth is controversial and it requires confrontation. The key here is the confrontations are not arguments. The confronting of issues flows readily from what is “life giving” plans, not to bring condemnation.
Remember the famous Bible recording of a woman being brought to Jesus in the public meeting place and they told Jesus that she needed to be stoned. You probably know the reply Jesus gave. It is a controversial confrontation in his early ministry but His delivery of Truth was so clarifyingly crystal clear! .He said, ” if anyone here Is without sin why don’t you throw the first stone..”
Can you imagine if those men knew they were talking to the only One who was qualified to throw stones! I just love how Jesus teaches! He tells us the Truth and he is speaking of himself.

Life’s Quiet Influencers

Do you have people who on life’s journey have for some reason impacted, or influenced you in either a good or a bad way or both? I am not speaking here of influential parents etc…but those who perhaps displayed character and wisdom that remain in your memory bank and you would like to emulate. That person that you may meet suddenly and briefly but their impact quietly journeys on with you long after.
For example, I met a girl on the first day of tenth grade who impacted me with her kindness in a profound way but by Christmas she died of Leukemia. We were fifteen years old. She was so kind to others and never complained of her pain. The last time I saw her was in a hospital bed and even though she tried to hide it I could see her pain as she periodically would grab the side rails of her hospital bed until her knuckles were white . I knew this is what “courage and bravery” were about. I did not yet understand fully what I was seeing at the time but she stayed with me. Her beautiful young skin was alabaster white and perfectly smooth. Her smile remained genuine and her eyes sparkled when she smiled. From our meeting to this current day every time I hear John Denver’s song, ” Sunshine on my shoulders .” I stop and remember. No matter how short her physical life seemed, the impact she had on me was a gift. It was a gift to many others too.
I have a few people. Their actions or examples of how they handle life are inseparable from my development as a human being. To be a good human, to be creative, to be life giving with actions and words, to speak with wisdom and kindness, to be witty or clever. You see, each one of them have shown me their dance steps of joy and sorrow. These steps come with success or failure. They have taught me how to love and forgive others. They have even shown me even when to walk away.

Turning 70

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
Praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well. psalm 139:13, 14.

The consistent thread in my life has sewn a beautiful tapestry of life’s many different colors and stitches. Like every other human being on earth I have known tragedy and triumph. I have sorrows that scar my heart but I have great love which heals my heart. I have had illnesses, chronic pain with many moments of healing and reprieve and many days my body did it’s work without complaint..
I have known great gain and loss. I caused most of my own heart ache so I blame no one but myself. To sum it up, I journey just like millions of others. So here now is my testament in 70 years there has never and I mean never in my life when I cried out to God and he was not there for me,hearing the voice of The Good Shepherd every time I stumble. He, Jesus, has been here with me and for me without fail. I know His voice!

So here I go…
Heading out this morning, into the sun
Riding on the diamond waves, little darlin’ one
Warm wind caress her, her lover it seems
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Ship of dreams
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Little ship of dreams

Grace

Photo by James Wheeler

I am always astounded when a renewed sense of the “Realm of Grace.” is gifted to me by the Holy. My dear mentor Dr. Hud McWilliams puts it this way, “Grace erodes all of our human ability to be gods. Grace removes ALL of our ability to PRETEND we are in control.”

I clearly see This Realm of Grace cannot be diminished, Grace cannot be penetrated by darkness, Grace cannot be stopped by disease nor death, and best of all it cannot be bought or earned!
The birthing place of Grace is Mercy. The person of Grace is Jesus our Lord who died and gave us his grace because our Heavenly Father is merciful.
This refreshing and renewing gift from Grace is that Grace annihilated Shame! And I bear it no more!

Like a sledgehammer

He said I felt like a sledgehammer in his chest
He said my steel magnolia eyes are the place he found rest
He said he never met a girl life me before or since
He said life without me made no sense
And the music played and the song was sung.

Word Gravity

I often have concern all my words may scare you away or maybe they already have.
I respond to words intentionally. Words compell me. Words challenge me. Words soothe me…
I guess it depends on what kind of word person you are. Maybe all my words won’t scare you away, but If they should I understand.
I see words in “color” sometimes. Words are never, ever black and white.
There are “you’re a liar” words.
There are “absolute Truth” words.
There are “profound” words.
There are “stupid and ignorant” words.
There are “death and life” words, and so many more.
The list is exhausting but you get my drift.

Evening in Paris Blues

Photo by Pierre Blachu00e9

I “feel” in color. These colors harbour themselves in my heart like a traveling carnival. Today as I lay down to rest I am aware of a sadness wrapped around me like a blanket. The color I feel is called “Evening in Paris” blue. It is a Catalina blue tinged with muted dark lavender. What a beautiful color sadness can be. I see cafes quiet with an evening crowd. I see and feel a comfortable sense of lighting coming from the old gas street lamps that flickers burnt orange in the blue of this night. This sadness is comforting in a strange way. It is pondering missed people, remembering a special day that can never be again. It is a story to tell of both the good and the.bad of life.
The “Evening in Paris Blue” lay like snow upon the earth. Everywhere it is blue and it is okay to be sad sometimes. Sadness is a primary emotion. In its most sober of actions Sadness cannot be explained very well but here in Evening Paris blue there is no explanation needed. it is just a feeling. It will pass but I will see Evening in Paris blue again like an old friend and smile.