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Turning 70

/ jill autrey dorman

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
Praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well. psalm 139:13, 14.

This last sunset of my 6th decade has left me pondering my life. The consistent thread in my life has sewn a beautiful tapestry of life’s many different colors and stitches. Like every other human being on earth I have known tragedy and triump. I have sorrows that scar my heart but I have great love which heals my heart. I have had illnesses, chronic pain with many moments of healing and reprieve.
I have known great gain and loss. I caused most of my own heart ache so I blame no one but myself. To sum it up, I journey just like millions of others. So here now is my testament in 70 years there has never and I mean never in my life when I cried out to God and he was there for me. Upon hearing the voice of The Good Shepherd every time I stumble. He, Jesus, has been here with me and for me without fail. I know His voice!

So here I go…
Heading out this morning, into the sun
Riding on the diamond waves, little darlin’ one
Warm wind caress her, her lover it seems
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Ship of dreams
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Little ship of dreams

Photo by Made Gunawan on Pexels.com

Winter Blue

/ jill autrey dorman

It is dusk in winter casting the sky and world into Winter blue. I squint my eyes and can see that little girl. That one, see her over there? She is quite the believer! She knows this color blue was made just for her and she looks forward to it every year. She gazes at the stars and sees the gateway to Heaven open wide and welcoming. Every season it occurs. Her crooked little smile and deep set navy-gray eyes are shining with the hope of Christmas. She loves getting toys of course but her love for feeling safe and cozy on a winter night means more than toys. There are decorations, and a tree with a favorite ornament hanging there and the warmth of family gathered. She knows her family loves her but she also knows that they whisper that she is a dreamer when they speak of her and they wonder if she will be all right . Dreams are not rebellion you know?
As the years flow on Winter Blue comes again and again, however for me, the little girl’s safe existence and lingering dreams would have slipped through the looking glass had I not kept my promises to never lose her or our rendevue with Winter blue.

Grace

/ jill autrey dorman
Photo by James Wheeler

I am always astounded when a renewed sense of the “Realm of Grace.” is gifted to me by the Holy. My dear mentor Dr. Hud McWilliams puts it this way, “Grace erodes all of our human ability to be gods. Grace removes ALL of our ability to PRETEND we are in control.”

I clearly see This Realm of Grace cannot be diminished, Grace cannot be penetrated by darkness, Grace cannot be stopped by disease nor death, and best of all it cannot be bought or earned!
The birthing place of Grace is Mercy. The person of Grace is Jesus our Lord who died and gave us his grace because our Heavenly Father is merciful.
This refreshing and renewing gift from Grace is that Grace annihilated Shame! And I bear it no more!

Nursing Journal Memories

/ jill autrey dorman
Photo by Mike van Schoonderwalt

She is a petite and elegant woman. She is dying. After receiving palliative care for a year and a few days, she is now receiving continuous care until she passes away. In the area of Hospice nursing, continuous care abbreviated to CC marks the twenty- four hour care beginning. I have been on twelve hour shifts with her for three days.
The first visit I noticed that she continuously positioned her right hand in a fist with her thumb slightly curvedat the top of the fist. I would straighten the hand out flat thinking this would be more comfortable but within five minutes that hand would return to the position of holding onto a rope. I began to observe that even in her brief waking moments she would do this action with both hands.
Eventually during very quiet and brief conversations we talked of her younger life and all the glorious days that love in life have brought her. A loving husband, healthy children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren. She told me that her husband is the best human being she has ever known. She was the first female professor of a big University in Texas and she said her husband supported her all the way!
On the last day she was weaker and her voice diminished so we didn’t talk much. I had been straightening her hands off and on for days and within a minute or to she would peacefully dose off and put her hands right back in this unique position. Finally, I asked her about it and she said, “sometimes I become a little afraid of dying and when that fear hits I am reminded of a braided cord. A cord made up of three separate fibers that are entwined as if they were one large rope. Unbreakable bonds, least that is what they say. One day the pain and fear overwhelmed me and I whispered to God and asked for comfort. Then as I prayed my hands seemed to involuntarily fold like a fist holding a rope and it was so comfortable and calming. As I lay there praying the Spirit of God greeted me so gently and told me he loved me and soon he would be taking me home. He told me to hold onto to this rope of The Trinity and not let go. He said that he won’t leave me and to just trust him and hold on to the rope and even as I grow weaker and you straighten my hands they return to the rope and I hold on so hard that I feel no pain nor fear at all. Within the hour this beautiful, faith filled woman died but without a doubt I know Whom she was holding to and that He would never break his promise.

“It is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2Corinthians 1:21,22

/ jill autrey dorman

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

This is how my thoughts go sometimes…

It is fall now, the brisk breeze flings all her colors around me.
The smell of wood burning is like a heady perfume
The fire catching sparks at the hem of my coat I fly now
The time is slower, people are farther, love prevails

Silence

/ jill autrey dorman
Photo by Alin Serban

Silence is an endangered sensory gift. The “still point” of a turning world is the origin of this dance called living.

I do not preach in market place or a building. I preach by my way of life, imperfect though I am.

There is the ” Inevitable hard”, there is the ” failure”, the “burden of difficulties” yet in these points there is great “Joy” knowing I am not alone.

Will you come and sit with me in the “Silence”?

We can understand the journey of Joy together!

Scared, Scarred, and Sacred

/ jill autrey dorman
Photo by Bruno Thethe on Pexels.com

Scared, Scarred,  and Sacred

He is a beautiful scared boy.
He has a deeply scarred heart.
The difference in between is Sacred.

His kindness makes angels weep.
His wounds so painful to behold.
The difference in between is Sacred.

Who can be the balm for his scars?
Who can hold him when he is scared?
This mysterious union is Sacred.

/ jill autrey dorman

A winter musing…

While Winter hangs on a bleak horizon Hope is banking in the wind. Hope always and ever present. Dawn seems still far to the east…but it is coming with the Morning Star…a fine day is clung to and stretched to its utmost limit…
the present, the moment is where I choose to stay…for to gaze too far ahead is to surely bring this moment, this present to an end…

a continued story

/ jill autrey dorman
Photo by Emre Kuzu

The water is turning gun metal gray as the front porch door is shoved by the wind and is screeching on its hinges The water sprays my face. I lick my lips, and taste the salt. I can smell the rain and see a squall forming off shore. I batten the door and settle into my old two seat glider, (also from the sixties). I love sitting here listening with my eyes closed to the symphony of waves, wind, and thunder rolling like a timpani drum.
I know when the electrical dance begins by the sudden brightness invading my closed eye lids. When I open my eyes lightening in all of it’s patterns and torque reflects off the sea presenting pulsing colors that spark turning the water and sky into a myriads of blues, purples, yellows. There is something so stunning about a vast body of water as it collides together with the night sky.
When my journey brought me here to live on this island on this Gulf of water I was very young. I wanted to live in Florida a while and enjoy a Jimmy Buffet and Ernest Hemingway kind of life and love of the sea.. I wanted to study nursing and perhaps write my poetry (not that it qualified as literature) or a short story. When fall and winter came it was the best. I was accepted by the locals and learned the history of this little (unknown at the time) town and the people who grew up here.
I carry grace and forgiveness from there to here forty nine years later. The storms are the strength …glassy clear water is the peace…

Word Gravity

/ jill autrey dorman

I often have concern all my words may scare you away or maybe they already have.
I respond to words intentionally. Words compell me. Words challenge me. Words soothe me…
I guess it depends on what kind of word person you are. Maybe all my words won’t scare you away, but If they should I understand.
I see words in “color” sometimes. Words are never, ever black and white.
There are “you’re a liar” words.
There are “absolute Truth” words.
There are “profound” words.
There are “stupid and ignorant” words.
There are “death and life” words, and so many more.
The list is exhausting but you get my drift.

Photo by Pixabay