She never scoured with tears
Not her face, not her life, not her floor
She was as strong as the Mississippi’s speed
And tougher than the man who made her bleed
Relentless in love, quiet and strong was her way
Not hardened but not taking back her living
Until one day she took that shotgun round
The shot that rang out put him in the ground
She did not scour herself with tears
She washed herself clean in the blood
She held her head high for her children
That man would never make anyone else bleed again
When you stand close to His gypsy fire
your heart will hear a blue cold note
He will burn you with his lies
but His truth will hurt the most
He has always been a runner
and cares nothing for all he has not been
He will stoke his gypsy fire higher
and steal your heart away again
Gray against gray the dawn awakens
the grayest ashes have all turned cold
Just when you believe his dreams were real
you will find to the highest bidder you were sold
He was the only one there in that dark still night
I was flayed open with a razor sharp knife
He said are you ready to rise from the dead?
Through sobs and his blood yes was all I said
He said I am the love you are counting on
I am the only One when all others are gone
I am the one who carries you when you fall
Through doubts and sorrow I’ve paid it all
He is the one who gave His all for me
He fought for me to the bloody end
And on that day when He rose again
He said I am all I have ever been
He held me there as life seeped in
He is everything no one else has been
He is my champion, teacher, Redeemer, and friend
He is the one I will count on until the end
She said I can’t go through this again
I can’t cover up your sin
She just kept walking down the road
Trying to drop that heavy load
Oh the days go better than the nights
The prayers crack through a little light
The storm blows in like a runaway train
Jesus is standing there calling her name
Her hooded gray blue eyes are unexpectedly bright
She speaks of the “old days, the days of Bell Fright”
The terror, relentless ringing in the darkest hour of the night.
Communism she says, “did not deliver futures bright.”
Just more betrayal and fear, and torture called Bell Fright.
Not the Nazis, no but Comrades Stalin and Marx
Different regimes but same death toll ringing in their hearts.
Haunting broken melodies played on Hungarian violins
She still shivers with the memories of dark dank cells
She says no one ever knew before it could be so cold in hell.
This poem is inspired by the book Goodbye to Budapest by Margarita Morris and to all who have survived the Bell Fright of dictators of evil.
Where does Comfort hide on nights like this
when I feel all the loss and the ones I miss?
Comfort dodges me like shadows on the wall
I know I must renew my mind or else I will surely fall…
Fall into doubt of my firm foundation
Fall into distortion of Evil’s confrontations
Fall into fear and lies of what lay ahead
So I will fight for my heart with His Sword of Truth
I will fan the flame of Faith I have had since my youth
I will rejoice that His Grace is sufficient thus far
and Grace will lead me on as I travel this star…
I will kneel at the foot of His Holy Cross
I will give thanks for all I have gained and not lost
So as the Comforter whispers His command of sweet Peace
The night shadows vanish and all shadows must cease
Now I will rest in the arms of my Heavenly Dad
and fall into the best sleep there is to be had
…and be renewed in the spirit of your mind… (Ephesians 4:23)
Oh yes I learned at an early age that my face and eyes and smile could paint a picture of self confidence and a surety I could articulate all the answers expected of me. I am after all, my Father’s daughter and “no one” would get next to me…
For years I danced this dance of being strong and able. Of not letting by hurts show. Of being articulate to hide the pain. Of keeping it all together for the sake of…
By God’s grace over the years this survival mode of being all together began to erode away as I grew into the realization I wasn’t made to just survive and I wasn’t made to please others or be strong or lead. I was made in the Image of God to live my life in such a way that He would be known and glorified by it (my life).
Now when I see my self coping with life in that old default survival mode more often than not I can spot it and go to the Holy Spirit for guidance and He is always ready and present. God does not help those who help themselves. Nope. That is recorded nowhere in Scripture. God knows that we cannot save ourselves which is why, of course, He saves us through His Son Jesus, by Grace, by Mercy, by His atoning blood shed for us. God saves people who think their coping skills are working until they aren’t. God saves us because of who He is not because of who we are or anything we have done. This is a great relief to me and probably any fellow believer in Christ. This truth gives me great comfort every day.
When Jesus told the disciples that He had to return to the Father’s house to prepare a place for us and said he would send us The One who would dwell in us, with us, guide us, and yes give us heavenly coping skills until that glorious day we go to our Father’s House forever.
How are your coping skills working for you? Eroding survival skills are a slippery slope that gives way to dying. God’s way is so much better. I choose not to go back to my comfort zone in order to avoid exposure, pain, or suffering. The cost is much too high so I choose to stand in The One who really did pay the highest price for me.
She wore a Silver sorrow
like a crown upon her head
Upon her shoulders Burdens and
her feet were shod with Dread.
Then touched was she by Grace
and Mercy that crown replaced
Now she dons the golden Joy
made of tears from Jesus’ face.
I was all a joke
Just a box of smoke
But now the girl could finally see…
Yea the boy took notes
Just to get their votes
But she gave hers away for free…
Oh how the mothers cried
horrid howlng in the night
as rain gullied down the blood washed street…
Then they all shut their eyes
as though suddenly blind
pretending they had sacrificed themselves for Peace…
The sound of blood thundering in my ears…crashing to shore like a wave on a cliff crushing all the breath from my body. Utter fear pounding and pounding in my brain. My heart aches with the “unknowing” of a thing. A small blip of Faith still beats now and again. My eyes see no pathway. My ears only hear a rushing like thunder…wild and furious are my thoughts. Will He BE who He says He is? Doubt mocks me with every second of my pain…is there another moment left to me? I must now meet my God who loves me…oh yes, I will meet Him here or there…where there is no marking of time. It is God who justifies. Will I flesh out what I say I believe? Not by MY might and not by MY spirit but by the Lord’s “no holes barred” power alone. Right now! Right here! Loss, fear, joy, war, victory, death, and life…I cry out without words or sound…blip, blip, faith, blip, blip, faith…then a wisp of Presence. A command for Peace. I cry to The One I have never seen and then sight of soul dawns like morning.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38,39)