hard things

Bell Fright

/ jill autrey dorman
door wooden bell old

Photo by Little Visuals

 

Her hooded gray blue eyes are unexpectedly bright

She speaks of the “old days, the days of Bell Fright”

The terror, relentless ringing in the darkest hour of the night.

 

Communism she says, “did not deliver futures bright.”

Just more betrayal and fear, and torture called Bell Fright.

Not the Nazis, no but Comrades Stalin and Marx

Different regimes but same death toll ringing in their hearts.

 

Haunting broken melodies played on Hungarian violins

She still shivers with the memories of dark dank cells

She says  no one ever knew before  it could be so cold in hell.

 

This poem is inspired by the book Goodbye to Budapest by Margarita Morris and to all who have survived the Bell Fright of dictators of evil.

 

 

Where does Comfort hide on nights like this?

/ jill autrey dorman / 1 Comment
dark darkness loneliness mystery

Photo by Engin Akyurt

Where does Comfort hide on nights like this

when I feel all the loss and the ones I miss?

Comfort dodges me like shadows on the wall

I know I must renew my mind or else I will surely fall…

 

Fall into doubt of my firm foundation

Fall into distortion of Evil’s confrontations

Fall into fear and lies of what lay ahead

 

So I will fight for my heart with His Sword of Truth

I will fan the flame of Faith I have had since my youth

I will rejoice that His Grace is sufficient thus far

and Grace will lead me on as I travel this star…

I will kneel at the foot of His Holy Cross

I will give thanks for all I have gained and not lost

So as the Comforter whispers His command of sweet Peace

The night shadows vanish and all shadows must cease

Now I will rest in the arms of my Heavenly Dad

and fall into the best sleep there is to be had

 

…and be renewed in the spirit of your mind…  (Ephesians 4:23)

Eroding survival default (letting the Spirit of God be my coping skill)

/ jill autrey dorman

 

red human face monument on green grass field

Photo by Mike

Oh yes I learned at an early age that my face and eyes and smile could paint a picture of self confidence and a surety I could articulate all the answers expected of me. I am after all, my Father’s daughter and “no one” would get next to me…

For years I danced this dance of being strong and able. Of not letting by hurts show. Of being articulate to hide the pain. Of keeping it all together for the sake of…

By God’s grace over the years this survival mode of being all together began to erode away as I grew into the realization I wasn’t made to just survive and I wasn’t made to please others or be strong or lead. I was made in the Image of God to live my life in such a way that He would be known and glorified by it (my life).

Now when I see my self coping with life in that old default survival mode more often than not I can spot it and go to the Holy Spirit for guidance and He is always ready and present. God does not help those who help themselves. Nope. That is recorded nowhere in Scripture. God knows that we cannot save ourselves  which is why, of course, He saves us through His Son Jesus, by Grace, by Mercy, by His atoning blood shed for us. God saves people who think their coping skills are working until they aren’t. God saves us because of who He is not because of who we are or anything we have done. This is a great relief to me and probably any fellow believer in Christ. This truth gives me great comfort every day.

When Jesus told the disciples that He had to return to the Father’s house to prepare a place for us and said he would send us The One who would dwell in us, with us, guide us, and yes give us heavenly coping skills until that glorious day we go to our Father’s House forever.

How are your coping skills working for you? Eroding survival skills are a slippery slope that gives way to dying. God’s way is so much better. I choose not to go back to my comfort zone in order to avoid exposure, pain, or suffering. The cost is much too high so I choose to stand in The One who really did pay the highest price for me.

 

It was all a joke just a box of smoke

/ jill autrey dorman / 4 Comments
outdoorchallenge rain raindrops street

Photo by Nicholas Githiri

 

It was all a joke

Just a box of smoke

But now the girl could finally see…

 

Yea the boy  took notes

Just to get their votes

But she gave hers away for free…

 

Oh how the mothers cried

horrid howlng in the night

as rain gullied down the blood washed street…

 

Then they all shut their eyes

as though suddenly blind

pretending they had sacrificed themselves for Peace…

 

 

 

The coldest nights are God’s mercy (survival is fear based and slides into dying)

/ jill autrey dorman
cold dark eerie environment

Photo by Pixabay 

It is the coldest night in years

The heavens in the sky so clear

The burden on her back slid off her shoulders

She thought,  I must lay down this boulder…

 

It is  time the voice said, there is no more to do

I want you to leave this burden here tonight

Survival is fear based and slides into dying

Thriving mercy comes from Me the voice cried…

 

She lay down on the cold ground shivering

When she woke a spring morning shining

She looked around with a pounding in her mind

And the boulder was no where in sight…

 

 

Sharp Shooter on the roof tops…

/ jill autrey dorman
automatic weapon bullet camouflage close up

Photo by Pixabay

 

I dream I am  in guerrilla warfare, watching for sharp shooters on the roof tops

The King was right when he said we do not fight flesh and bone

Yet we insist on killing our own over and over,  the choice made, cannot be taken back

There are many traitors among us, or most likely they never were a child of the King

They look just like me so I cannot know who will gun me down, it is not for me to judge

The Truth can pierce the bone from the marrow, I know because it happened to me…

I must don God’s armor at all times, be vigilant in lie detection, oh the enemy is so smooth, it is a false light…

My heart is pounding, I cannot be silent, for every day is a day of war in the spiritual realm, to immense to be ignored.

The manifold wisdom of God sees all, the Captain of the host holds all power in his name, Messiah, Jesus, God with us

So I take up my weapons… the belt  of Truth, the shield of Faith, the helmet of Salvation …

I continue to walk behind the enemy line for I know the Battle is the Lord’s, I long to remain a diligent warrior

The sharp shooter is still on the roof, the scope on the rifle is aimed at my head, I can see his eyes dead like dolls eyes

I choose to keep walking…

 

I walk on vigilant always for any inkling of the enemy’s presence…deafening silence

yet in a split-second a pervasive white mist envelopes me…

I feel heavy weight and aching in my body  and spirit,  it is the supreme stealth weapon of the enemy

It is shame, my most relentless foe

The ballast of Shame slaughters aggressively,  the deadliest of weapons, worse than sarin  gas…

If I don’t kill it, it will kill me and all it touches, shame is unholy from hell

I cry out to the King,  blood seeping from my chest, a razor-sharp slice

I did not feel it at the point of entry

Towering above the shame the King appears, brandishing his two-edged sword

it blazes and radiates like a million Suns, in a blink the sharp shooter

on the roof top falls dead

I am blind now, crouching down behind my shield of Faith

the King wields his Holy two-edged sword and shame screeches like the demon it is…

instantly there is silence, my heart is no longer bleeding, I regain my sight

The Holy Spirit is the watchman, the Angels encamp around me

I savor the Holy rest of  victory this day…

 

I

 

Not even scorpions will inhabit the desolate Judean desert…

/ jill autrey dorman

 

flight pigeon twig

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Just declared to be God’s only Son. The voice and the dove announced it to the world. Driven straight out by God’s Spirit to the wilderness of Judea where not even scorpions will  live…

No food or water upon these forty days. He who is announced and ordained now lay weak, trembling near death only to now be approached by Satan…

Satan, the shining one come to accuse The Word of God. If you are the Son of God??? Compared to Eden the destruction of the Second Adam seems it might be an easy victory…

 

Fear is a wilderness where the devil runs around

He tempted Jesus there now he wants to take me down

Fear is a wilderness where death creeps up on trust

The water is polluted, hope turns into dust

Fear is a wilderness where Jesus walked alone

Oh but The King of Ages left the wilderness undone!

 

Jesus never once defended his identity or Godly position. He knew that Satan knew it well. For even Satan and all his demons tremble at His name. He the Second Adam would destroy all death and hell! For the living Word is his name and his Word is more powerful than any two edged sword!

 

I’m a little tapped out on my self right now…

/ jill autrey dorman / 1 Comment
long exposure photography of water drop

Photo by Fabiano Rodrigues

 

a little tapped out on my self right now

need to get my self off my hands

let someone else give the care right now

I’m just doing the best I can

 

No questions now please,  just sit with me

Feel  the sweet summer rain wash us clean

Let go of all the would haves should haves

Sit in the moment of now and not what has been

 

 

“Death begins with bad feet…”

/ jill autrey dorman
man wearing military uniform and walking through woods

Photo by Specna Arms

The older experienced soldier watched as twenty new young men were milling about the base. He knew they had no clue what they were in for. The Korean “police action” at the 38th parallel between South Korea supported by the  United Nations  (largely the United States of America) against North Korea supported by China and The Soviet Union. The older soldier was still recovering from the unexpected and brutal Battle at Naktong River. That is where his best buddy’s feet went bad. The wet boots along with pouring down rain never allowed much time for drying out. His buddy didn’t even try to get his feet dry and by the time the battle ended his feet were black. Three weeks later he was dead. The Koreans have a saying, “death begins with bad feet.”

My take away from this wisdom is that I have learned to pay attention to where my feet are walking on this journey of life. The small things. My feet get soggy with the cares of the material world of what people think of me. According to scripture we are in spiritual warfare as believers who follow Christ…

For the follower of Christ Jesus  we are taught to put on the armour of God for the daily warfare with an evil , fallen world. Part of that armour described in Ephesians 6 encourages us to Shod our feet with the Gospel, the Good News that the Savior of the world has come.

How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation…Isaiah 52:7