Turning 70

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
Praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well. psalm 139:13, 14.

This last sunset of my 6th decade has left me pondering my life. The consistent thread in my life has sewn a beautiful tapestry of life’s many different colors and stitches. Like every other human being on earth I have known tragedy and triump. I have sorrows that scar my heart but I have great love which heals my heart. I have had illnesses, chronic pain with many moments of healing and reprieve.
I have known great gain and loss. I caused most of my own heart ache so I blame no one but myself. To sum it up, I journey just like millions of others. So here now is my testament in 70 years there has never and I mean never in my life when I cried out to God and he was there for me. Upon hearing the voice of The Good Shepherd every time I stumble. He, Jesus, has been here with me and for me without fail. I know His voice!

So here I go…
Heading out this morning, into the sun
Riding on the diamond waves, little darlin’ one
Warm wind caress her, her lover it seems
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Ship of dreams
Oh Annie, dreamboat Annie
Little ship of dreams

Winter Blue

It is dusk in winter casting the sky and world into Winter blue. I squint my eyes and can see that little girl. That one, see her over there? She is quite the believer! She knows this color blue was made just for her and she looks forward to it every year. She gazes at the stars and sees the gateway to Heaven open wide and welcoming. Every season it occurs. Her crooked little smile and deep set navy-gray eyes are shining with the hope of Christmas. She loves getting toys of course but her love for feeling safe and cozy on a winter night means more than toys. There are decorations, and a tree with a favorite ornament hanging there and the warmth of family gathered. She knows her family loves her but she also knows that they whisper that she is a dreamer when they speak of her and they wonder if she will be all right . Dreams are not rebellion you know?
As the years flow on Winter Blue comes again and again, however for me, the little girl’s safe existence and lingering dreams would have slipped through the looking glass had I not kept my promises to never lose her or our rendevue with Winter blue.

Grace

Photo by James Wheeler

I am always astounded when a renewed sense of the “Realm of Grace.” is gifted to me by the Holy. My dear mentor Dr. Hud McWilliams puts it this way, “Grace erodes all of our human ability to be gods. Grace removes ALL of our ability to PRETEND we are in control.”

I clearly see This Realm of Grace cannot be diminished, Grace cannot be penetrated by darkness, Grace cannot be stopped by disease nor death, and best of all it cannot be bought or earned!
The birthing place of Grace is Mercy. The person of Grace is Jesus our Lord who died and gave us his grace because our Heavenly Father is merciful.
This refreshing and renewing gift from Grace is that Grace annihilated Shame! And I bear it no more!

Nursing Journal Memories

She is a petite and elegant woman. She is dying. After receiving palliative care for a year and a few days, she is now receiving continuous care until she passes away. In the area of Hospice nursing, continuous care abbreviated to CC marks the twenty- four hour care beginning. I have been on twelve hour shifts with her for three days.
The first visit I noticed that she continuously positioned her right hand in a fist with her thumb slightly curvedat the top of the fist. I would straighten the hand out flat thinking this would be more comfortable but within five minutes that hand would return to the position of holding onto a rope. I began to observe that even in her brief waking moments she would do this action with both hands.
Eventually during very quiet and brief conversations we talked of her younger life and all the glorious days that love in life have brought her. A loving husband, healthy children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren. She told me that her husband is the best human being she has ever known. She was the first female professor of a big University in Texas and she said her husband supported her all the way!
On the last day she was weaker and her voice diminished so we didn’t talk much. I had been straightening her hands off and on for days and within a minute or to she would peacefully dose off and put her hands right back in this unique position. Finally, I asked her about it and she said, “sometimes I become a little afraid of dying and when that fear hits I am reminded of a braided cord. A cord made up of three separate fibers that are entwined as if they were one large rope. Unbreakable bonds, least that is what they say. One day the pain and fear overwhelmed me and I whispered to God and asked for comfort. Then as I prayed my hands seemed to involuntarily fold like a fist holding a rope and it was so comfortable and calming. As I lay there praying the Spirit of God greeted me so gently and told me he loved me and soon he would be taking me home. He told me to hold onto to this rope of The Trinity and not let go. He said that he won’t leave me and to just trust him and hold on to the rope and even as I grow weaker and you straighten my hands they return to the rope and I hold on so hard that I feel no pain nor fear at all. Within the hour this beautiful, faith filled woman died but without a doubt I know Whom she was holding to and that He would never break his promise.

“It is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2Corinthians 1:21,22

Like a sledgehammer

He said I felt like a sledgehammer in his chest
He said my steel magnolia eyes are the place he found rest
He said he never met a girl life me before or since
He said life without me made no sense
And the music played and the song was sung.

Copper Moon

A remote beach calls me with a symphony of crystal sea sound.
Swimming free under a Copper Moon shining atop the waves
Fears are banished into the midnight phosphorus of indigo blue
My heart is so full and I know that I am homeward bound.

I surrender my soul to the wonders of The Holy One
I weep for joy as the tentacles of humanity gently slip away
The Copper Moon escorts me through the peace I have found
Holy baptism fuels me yet again and I know that I am homeward bound.

Word Gravity

I often have concern all my words may scare you away or maybe they already have.
I respond to words intentionally. Words compell me. Words challenge me. Words soothe me…
I guess it depends on what kind of word person you are. Maybe all my words won’t scare you away, but If they should I understand.
I see words in “color” sometimes. Words are never, ever black and white.
There are “you’re a liar” words.
There are “absolute Truth” words.
There are “profound” words.
There are “stupid and ignorant” words.
There are “death and life” words, and so many more.
The list is exhausting but you get my drift.

Evening in Paris Blues

Photo by Pierre Blachu00e9

I “feel” in color. These color harbour themselves in my heart like a traveling carnival. Today as I lay down to rest I am aware of a sadness wrapped around me like a blanket. The color I feel is called “Evening in Paris” blue. It is a Catalina blue tinged with muted dark lavender. What a beautiful color sadness can be. I see cafes quiet with an evening crowd. I see and feel a comfortable sense of lighting coming from the old gas street lamps that flickers burnt orange in the blue of this night. This sadness is comforting in a strange way. It is pondering missed people, remembering a special day that can never be again. It is a story to tell of both the good and the.bad of life.
The “Evening in Paris Blue” lay like a blanket upon the earth. Everywhere you look it is blue and it is okay to be sad sometimes. it is a primary emotion. In its soberest of actions sadness cannot be explained very well but here in Evening Paris blue there is no explanation needed. it is just a feeling. It will pass but I will see Evening in Paris blue again.

perfect and stubborn

Love will grow over barriers and around obstacles still blooming and still fragrant. Love is having the strength to stay. Love is a wild and furious risk, a pouring out of all that one can from that cup and drink it. Love is rich and poor. Love is sickness and health. Love is a verb, an action word. Nothing about love is passive. Love cannot be manipulated. Love. Risks. Everything. The Holy God is Love’s name…ponder this, ponder Him on this busy Tuesday of your life. Love changes everything!

A Hallelujah

Today God orchestrated some happenings that I needed. It was an affirming whisper from him…

Such an intimate and sweet “I love you” from my Lord. I say intimate because He and I are the only ones who know. I say sweet because I am his daughter and he understands me.

So I end this day with a Hallelujah.

Sleep well my friends.