Photo by Pixabay
Mercy is the permission to be human…
Texas girl
the subject of suffering is a hot bed of emotions in the human realm.
Photo by Egor Kamelev
I have been “leaning into” the book called The Gospel According to Job or about three years…the subject of suffering is a hot bed of emotions in the human realm. The one million light bulbs that go off in my head like some crazy paparazzi event when I contemplate truly suffering usually sends me into an endorphin crisis. Some have said to me “well, if you had more faith…blah blah blah…” ( God is the one who gives faith and I Love that. He will measure out to me the Faith and Grace and Mercy I need from his very own hand he gives it to me).
I am seeing more clearly what is the heart of Job. He has become a friend to me. He is what is called a “type” of Jesus (foretold in the Ancient Testament). Job had unmerited suffering put upon him. It was allowed by God. (This right here will upset many of you but I believe God can allow whatever he sees best to befall anyone. I believe this because I know that God is more Good and more wild and transcendent and more terrifyingly wonderful than I have ever even begun to know!!!) Job was a man who pleased God yet lost all his family and home. All of his children in one day…cannot even go there!
Anyway I am saying all of that to say the story of Job is not about suffering in the way I always use to think, even though suffering is well displayed in its pages. The story of Job is that for him the worst thing that could ever happen was that he might lose his Peace with God…think about that.
Coffee and antiseptic…I was young and new at loss…
Photo by Erkan Utu
Coffee and antiseptic is the smell of the hospital to me. That smell is as familiar as coming home and while I know for many people this odd combination of fragrance carries a myriad of meanings and feelings.
What began as a life long journey for this twenty-two year old woman of such an innocence has in the last forty years become one of the most essential teachers of Wisdom on my road map of life.
Forty years ago I was young and new at Loss. Not a master of loss as I am now…
I learned that while “science/medicine/technology” gives a perception of control it simply cannot ultimately answer the deep questions of life. Science can achieve many wondrous feats but it is powerless in its outcome alone.
Once you see a patient’s eye shine with gratitude or you hold a total stranger in your arms as their life tumbles down around them one of two things will happen. Either your heart will break (which is okay and mine often has) or your blood will cringe and you will not be able to stay.
In the halls, rooms, and waiting rooms of this place that smells like coffee and antiseptic I have learned that as driven as we are to present our lives as if full and orderly the soul of a human and the meaning of life cannot be answered by mere science and knowledge.
The stuff life is made of goes on outside of these walls…Normal stuff…pushing your baby on a swing…normal stuff…listening to your clothes dryer hum all night long because you never get all the laundry done…on and on this list could go…normal stuff.
I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life. 1 John 5:13
Slow dancing home…
Photo by Rhiannon Stone
Sun flowers turn their face toward the sun everyday of summer…
The ocean is pulled and pushed by the tide without missing a beat…
With each succeeding step I take in this slow dance I see less brambles and thorns and more rich colored roses…
I see bright green leaves of trees and the glorious redness of an apple…
The high meadow mountain where the four rivers flow is getting closer and closer…
The lushness of Eden beckons and sings with the swaying pines…
The scent of jasmine and wisteria mingle through the air…
There is a warm wind that brings the warmth of summer yet I can see the harvest of fall and the daffodils and green of spring all at the same time…
The song of the rivers sing a Holy melody and I dance slowly on…
And oh such music, I can hear it so clearly in the laughter of children and the cries of the hurting…
Each step of this slow dance feels exactly right and I know I am dancing home…
Summer 2013
Photo by Tookapic
The summer sun is baking the side walks and streets.
The Texas horizon looks like a melting mirage.
Summer solstice has arrived and a few things never change.
Even in the shade it is one hundred degrees.
My grandson has begun his love affair with the sprinkler and popsicles.
In his backyard with his parents.
And wonderful cool sheets for his afternoon nap.
And all is right with my world today and I am grateful.
Watercolor
For many years as a young adult I felt like a “watercolor wash” painting. Blending into the dominant colors of those around me who had so much influence on my life. I didn’t even know my favorite color, food, or music. I didn’t know what I believed about life and death…and I realized I had to paint with my very own colors. My gentle memories run to those persons and I love them whether they were harsh or gentle. They had dreams of their own but listened to mine anyway and for them I am grateful…
The first and glaring color was a bright arterial red. While red is not my favorite color there is no doubt in my mind there can be no redemption without the shedding of blood. That color represents the day I met Jesus Christ and let him become my Redeemer.
The next and my favorite colors are the blues and greens of the sea and sky. The ocean, the beach is where I walked stronger and healed my heart. The salt water and wind a balm to my young weary soul. These colors are where I learned that I will live forever and that I can soar on the breeze or dive into the depths and behold my God is still there.
Yellows, pinks, and violets are the colors in my life where I flew too close to the sun and my skin was burned but the new skin grew back pink and healthy. The rich flora hues and scents drove me forward toward the goals of softness, children, and safety. Still and always learning…
The rich dark color of the brown/black dirt with its earthy scent comes next for after all this is where this earthly body was formed…how can a human not love the earth? Deep within it lies the mystery of creation and purpose…and then the clear snowy white to emerald to muddy silt of the rivers that run to the sea…a Holy Baptism there…
The last and final colors in my watercolor are silver and gold. The bright and shining stars of the galaxies. These colors remind me that I am significant but small and even greater still these colors are a testament to the infinite bigness of my God. The one who loves me beyond all measure and always will. So, I will keep painting for now and let the fire keep burning bright. On that day that I lay down the paint brush I will have said what I have to say and make my stand humbly and always trusting that life will carry on…and oh yes, I will keep painting…
Jill Autrey Dorman 