Eternal prospective or why I stopped blaming the Church…

May 7, 2018July 29, 2018 / jill autrey dorman / 5 Comments

From the minute the Resurrected living Jesus, God/Man ascended into heaven the “Church”, { people who want to follow Christ,} was already in disagreement, misunderstanding, judgement, lack of unity, and broken relationships. They were overwhelmed humans who had their hearts touched by Christ but no one could suspect where the journey of Sanctification would take each one of us. Jesus knew it would be hard for us when he left here for a season but he also knew the Power of The Holy Spirit was to come and lead, guide, teach, counsel, and comfort us…

From birth to about the age of fifteen The Church was like a Mother’s womb for me. I was nurtured there, taught there, grew in the knowledge of The Word of God there. I quickly learned the native customs, soon a hymn and bible verse or two. You learn to speak Christian-eze rather quickly and “take on” an “idea” of who God is and how you are supposed to live but then one day you realize you cannot trust these people and they cannot trust you UNLESS you can admit that we all are simply trying to find our way in Jesus Christ. Trust must be earned by day in and day out relationships.

As time goes on you see that there is so much more to this Church thing. You see the gap that often lies between what we say and what we do. When you are young you don’t realize that this gap is the utter “human problem.” It is so easy to call them all hypocrites and judge them harshly therefore making my self the very same hypocrite…

I came to see that because each of us is so broken in one way or another that we are not equipped to love each other well without the Spirit of Truth in us, Jesus. We are not full of forgiveness most of the time because we do not really understand how serious God is about His Holiness nor do we (most of the time) realize the COST of Forgiveness. His forgiveness is of course rooted in love for us but He forgives us because of one thing only which is the price that was paid by His Son, Jesus, on the Cross.

I also came to realize that expecting forgiveness and understanding was so arrogant of me. We all have masks we wear, we all hold forgiveness from others and judgment and bigotry in our hearts UNTIL we are regenerated, born again if you will. Until we are transformed. This transformation while INSTANT in Salvation is also a process by which we grow and learn the Joy of our Salvation.

So, I hold none of you, my brother and sisters in Christ, responsible for my hurt, my wounds. I let it all go because Jesus let all of my stuff go and I stand in Him only. I long to empty my self of my self so that there is nothing left but Jesus and his love. (Philippians 2.)

There is so much more to the Christian life than what is here on earth. The eternal perspective is one that only God can reveal to each of us. We are put here to simply “know Christ and make him known.” The Holy Spirit will do and does all the work.

So if you have been wounded or wronged by the Body Of Christ, I ask for forgiveness from YOU! And if the Gospel of Jesus has done one single thing for me (which what He has done is immeasurable) then who am I to be unforgiving for what someone did to me?

To have Joy I must Trust in all that is Christ and in that Freedom we experience Service and in our service we experience Joy.

“Job knew what it was like to be torn apart by the enormity of God…”

May 5, 2018 / jill autrey dorman / 3 Comments

Faith involves our deepest passions engaged by the reality of God. For this is what Faith is amidst confusion, doubt, affliction, and being crushed by sorrow or pain. These experiences do not mean we have lost favor with God.

The freedom to doubt, the dignity that God gives us is that to fail, to be over-whelmed, to fear, to be angry, to have passion…these are part of the Christian’s conversion. Mercy is the permission to be human.

In God’s love and forgiveness for each of us he was well aware how deep the need and how dark the sin of his children are. This is why the death and resurrection of Jesus is the only atonement that could fulfill our needs and deliver us to the arms of The Holy One.

Suffering Faith produces the presence and peace of God. Complacent Faith is a loveless Pharisaic life full of duties that we think somehow please our God.

We can NEVER please The Holy and realize the Enormity of His Holiness outside of the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

I find REST in this Truth and only in this Truth.

Alpha Girl Suicides

May 2, 2018May 2, 2018 / jill autrey dorman

Alpha Girl Suicides…have you heard this term?

There is a lot of verbage out there in the world and cyberspace and movies about the Alpha Male but lately my attention has been drawn to the Alpha Female. The Alpha Girl is the whole package. She is strong, she is a winner, she is pretty, she excels in academics, she comes from a good solid family who love her, she is confident, and she is successful. The Alpha Girl is on the honor roll or has only made a “few” B’s in her life The Alpha Girl is not necessarily a cheerleader or a homecoming queen but she is most likely a “star” at what she pursues whether it is debate or basketball she will probably get a scholarship for it or an academic scholarship to boot. This female will have lots of friends, go to a good college, and have a dream of becoming a doctor, a journalist, a good mother and wife.

This female has a daddy who loves her well and a Mama she can talk to and is her biggest fan. She may have sisters or brothers that she adores and they adore her. This female will be cute in whatever she wears. She will have cute boyfriends and be invited to all the parties there are to be invited to. She is NOT a mean girl and she is not necessarily a rich girl. She is a very nice and pleasant girl. She is a joy to all who know her. She is Alpha because of all the things mentioned above. She moves and navigates her life with sense and humor. She leads. Leadership is natural to her. Leadership does not require large effort on her part. She is gifted. She is Alpha Female.

So why are the Alpha Females killing themselves? This is the puzzling question in a world where suicide is becoming more and more common and I cannot help noticing that the one, who by nature lives and survives well, is now taking her own life. I am not a scientist and I haven’t studied wildlife but I believe when alpha males and females grow weak unto death it is usually because of disease or warfare with a predator. {the existence of evil…discussion for another day.}

None of us can know another person’s inner self so suicide and the reason for it cannot ever really be explained nor would I have the audacity to presume or judge anyone else on this earth but this issue saddens me and compels me to questions. Not questions of why this happens so much as where was the hope, the joy of life? Where did it go for this lovely young woman who seemingly had it all?

I cannot answer these questions I can only examine myself. I can only encourage the young woman in my path that while they are gifted as an Alpha Girl they must see it all, all of life as just that, a gift. We who love them, nurture them, and follow them must remind them just like everyone else wants to be reminded, “you are loved just for yourself and NOT your giftedness.”

A sober subject perhaps but I see the validity of discussing these things. These are wonderful women’s lives at stake. This essay is left open ended in a way but I will end here with the following poem from the Psalms of David…

In you, Lord my God; I put my trust.
I trust in you: do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.
Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.

All we ever wanted…

April 21, 2018April 27, 2018 / jill autrey dorman

I have the privilege in my work of meeting young teenaged women from all over the world…the other day I was talking with a young woman who is a senior this year. She comes from the other side of the world. (I will not say where just to protect her privacy).

This young lady is a precious woman. She is extremely intelligent and the opportunity to come to America and study her last two years of high school means so much to her and her future. As we were talking the other evening I asked her what her thoughts are on the best of America and the worst of America. She had so many “best” things to say about America…”the freedom of always experiencing and learning new things, the privilege of having “new” things at your disposal, the wonder of all the cars and roads that are so easily travelled, and last but not least the abundance of food and medical care and well, everything!”

As she began to tell me the “worst” thing she has seen in America my heart began to ache. It took all my strength not to cry. She said, “Unfortunately the worst thing I see in American’s is pride, a kind of arrogance that I have never seen before. It seems to exist among all ages. I do not understand “entitlement”. I do not understand the arrogance of not giving honor to God because everything we have is a gift from Him is it not?”

For a few days I have carried this message around with me. It has burdened me. It has caused me to weep, pray, and it is right that it should affect me this way. Getting and having all we ever wanted…even that, God gave it.

I am reminded of the words of the Apostle Paul…’For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?’ Grateful.

The Great Refusal

April 17, 2018April 27, 2018 / jill autrey dorman

In the story of the Rich young Ruler which is a story that church attenders probably know well we see this young man who did so many things right.

He came at the right time in his life. He came as a young man who was making his way in the world. He came from a “good” family. He had a career that was taking off, as we see, he is referred to as a “young ruler.” From that we can deduce he was healthy and socially in good standing.

He came in the right way that one day that he approached Jesus. He came in humility and ask a sincere question.

He came to the right person which was Jesus the Son of God to have a theological dialogue about the Jewish laws by which they both lived. He knew that Jesus was a great teacher and had undoubtedly heard of his good deeds and healing of many people in the area.

He came for the right purpose which that he wanted Eternal Salvation and Redemption. It appears that this rich young ruler realized that his life still “lacked” something and had left him questioning “what must a man do to be right with God?” His demeanor appears in scripture to be one of sincerity.

He received the right answer from the LORD himself which was to give all that he had to the poor, to leave his family and follow Jesus.

In the end however, at least at this time in his life, we see that he made the wrong decision in his refusal to do as Jesus asked. His immediate response was “I have too much responsibility, I have a good job, I have my parents and family to take care of.” This decision of refusal left the young man walking away from Jesus and the Bible states, “he went away sad.”

My take away from this story is this…regardless of where you are whether young or old, rich or poor, sick or well…Consider Jesus. Don’t refuse even if all seems right to you.

Mark 10:17-22.

Muddy Water

April 10, 2018April 29, 2018 / jill autrey dorman / 2 Comments

The air is sweet with perfume of the lake

The grasshoppers hum like an electric wake

Children’s laughter echoes through the trees

Summer camp, I still believe

I am there once again where the love affair began

between the water and the sky

Where my childhood and my children still abide

There can never be an end

where so many hearts have been

Summer camp, I still believe

Lessons from Job at Easter

March 29, 2018April 29, 2018 / jill autrey dorman

I have been “leaning into” the book called The Gospel According to Job lately…the subject of suffering is a hot bed of emotions in the human realm. The one million light bulbs that go off in my head like some crazy paparazzi event when I contemplate truly suffering usually sends me into an endorphin crisis. Some have said to me “well, if you had more faith…blah blah blah…” ( God is the one who gives faith and I Love that. He will measure out to me the Faith and Grace and Mercy I need from his very own hand he gives it to me).
I am seeing more clearly what is the heart of Job. He has become a friend to me. He is what is called a “type” of Jesus (foretold in the Ancient Testament). Job had unmerited suffering put upon him. It was allowed by God. (This right here will upset many of you but I believe God can allow whatever he sees best to befall anyone. I believe this because I know that God is more Good and more wild and transcendent and more terrifyingly wonderful than I have ever even begun to know!!!) Job was a man who pleased God yet lost all his family and home. All of his children in one day…cannot even go there!
Anyway I am saying all of that to say the story of Job is not about suffering in the way I always use to think, even though suffering is well displayed in its pages. The story of Job is that for him the worst thing that could ever happen was that he might lose his Peace with God…think about that.

More than children, health, wealth, reputation, marriage, friends…more than any of those glorious wonderful things what Job feared and cried and anguished over was losing his relationship with his creator. He knew that no matter what things appear to be that God is good and that God is Peace…hmmmm a lot for this woman to ponder…just saying… #keeplearning

What IS in a Name?

March 28, 2018April 29, 2018 / jill autrey dorman / 5 Comments

As I reflect on the beginning of my sixty- second year on earth I find my self thinking abstract thoughts. One in particular keeps surfacing…I am a loyal person. If I have become a friend, mentor, or professional colleague the odds are that I am loyal to that role. I am loyal to the name my Dad and Mom gave me, Shauna Jill Autrey. I am proud to carry the name of my father and his father before me. I am loyal to the name my husband Bob gave me, Dorman. With that name I was bestowed upon the honorable name Wife and Mother and now grandmother…Dodi. I am loyal to the name sister as well. Only two men in the whole world can call me sister.
In these names I find my role, my purpose, my dignity as well as my failures, successes, joys, grief, and even disappointment because after all, the One common denominator is me. My self and my human destiny. This loyalty to these names have produced a great story. Not one as noble as I wished perhaps but nevertheless it is my story. I am loyal to that story…I remain and will remain loyal to the good times and difficulties of childhood. The good certainly far outweighs the bad…college was a little rough though and my loyalty to my self slipped a bit. Overall, it’s the simple story of Redemption…the reality that I am part of The Fall…finding that all my loyalty to a name, a family, a faith in God could not give me the merit and absolution that lies between my creator and myself. In other words I was in darkness and separated from God…well the rest of the story is long but is turning out well…I have Jesus to thank for it all. I am to be given a new name in due time. I not know what it is yet…it is a name given to me by the One who is called Faithful and True! Now THAT is a name I can be loyal to and real with…so I continue on and head gladly into my sixth decade. I loyally carry my earthly names and give them without fear or regret to The Holy One and with incredible longing I look forward to the new name that Jesus himself has promised me on that Day…
“I will also give them a white stone, and on the stone a New name is inscribed that no one knows except the one who receives it…”

the gatehouse in the East…

March 21, 2018April 29, 2018 / jill autrey dorman

…I could see a long white road coming from the gatehouse in the East. A long bailey stretched out both to the east and west, enclosed by a strong stone wall. A rose-gold sun was setting as the last of day was dying but all I could feel pumping in my veins was a pulsating voice that sang, “Life, life, life!”
The closer I approached the higher the walls beyond the gate appeared to be. I knew there would be no chance of my acceptance in such a grand place. It took all my nerve to continue walking. In a lifetime before this moment, which now seemed merely a few days total I had been crushed by the pain and joy of life yet something inside my heart kept me on the journey…as I stood trembling unable to proceed a man I thought to be a beggar on the road spoke to me, “Why do you linger daughter?” His tabard, though of fine wool, was tattered and worn and soiled. Upon it was a coat of arms that I knew not what it meant. The coat, I could see, had once been a rich majestic purple in color but now was faded I supposed by sun, rain, and travel. Upon the coat of arms in fine gold embroidery stood twelve golden crowns upon the head of a magnificent lion standing on its hind…
I fell to my knees and begin to weep. I did not know why. The tears were a mixture of relief, grief, joy, and blood with the salty taste of the human mixed within. They were my tears…they were peaceful, restful, relieving tears.
This man must surely be noble I thought as my tears subsided yet my mind raced. He did not look handsome like I always thought a royal would look nor was he tall in statue. This must not be a princely man I thought, perhaps he stole the tabard. I began to panic a little but as the beggar prince approached me I felt more and more peace within and I simply whispered are you He? A scarred and rough worn hand reached toward me and lifted my face up and the man gently said, “I, AM.”

I am every blue on the color wheel…

March 13, 2018May 30, 2018 / jill autrey dorman / 1 Comment

I am the girl in the dream, the girl in the hour-glass.
I am every blue on the color wheel.
I rise on a great floating bubble that a child just blew out of a plastic jar of soap.
The bubble is robin egg blue and I am continually moving toward you.
I am the girl in the dream, the girl clasping turquoise ribbons attached to the moon. My skin looks silver blue like the moon. My heart is an open door and the door is deep blue like a navy school uniform blazer. I turn the glacier blue door knob and I am permanently moving toward you. I am the girl in the dream, the girl who is every blue on the color wheel. I am soaring up toward the baby powder blue stars, the blue-gray fog is lifted and my blue gray eyes finally see you and my Faith has been made sight.

Jill Autrey Dorman

Blue Cordelia Blog

writing